I always considered myself to not have a lot of friends. In reality I just tend to have a few very close friends and many distant friends. I don't even keep acquaintances around unless I really like them and vice verse. I was looking at my facebook friends list and I have many friends. Not everyone of my 100+ facebook friends are real friends but at least 75 are. I wouldn't say they are close friends but still they are friends.

I have 3 best friends. Each entered my life at different points. One helped me through a hard childhood, One helped me through my young mother hood, and the other helped me through college. All three of these girls would do anything for me and I for them. I don't think I would be as strong as I am today if not for them pushing me when I didn't want to move.

I don't know why lately the thought of my friends has been on my mind, maybe cause of recent events but it made me thankful to have everyone that is in my life. I usually tend to think I am alone and dont have many friends. I do, they are just scattered all over the US.

This weekend turned out to be a good weekend. I thought it was going to be miserable.

Saturday I woke up feeling preety good but then Mike woke up and he was in a miserable mood. We are back down to one car. My van is still at the shop getting the engine replaced, his gas pedal snapped in his Jetta, and he's got a bad exhaust leak from his headers on the eclipse. I try not to let the car thing get me down anymore. I've concluded cars hate us. I mean really, whos gas pedal snaps in half?

I started to get a little down on Saturday since Mike was. I had to attend a banquet for the Area Youth Football that night with Boo (Aaron). I really wasnt looking forward to the event since the school district we belong to happens to be a bunch of snooty people. I tend to get along with all the parents preety well but I still always feel akward and out of place. I had already arranged to sit at a table with a mother of Aarons friend that had buddied up with me during this past football season. There was a total of 500-600 people there. Aaron received a nice letter mans jacket with his name on it.

The banquet was scheduled from 4-8. They gave speaches and we said goodbye to the sixth grade team who moves into jr football next year. Part of the reason for the banquet is also to raise money for next years season so they hold a 50/50 raffle and do basket raffles. Normally I have the worst luck. I just dont win lotteries or drawings but apparently it was my lucky night. I only bought 25 tickets for $5.00. Almost everyone else bought about $20 worth of tickets. I even said to my table mates that I never win and wasnt to worried about winning. In all there was about 20 baskets to raffle off. I won 4! I couldnt believe it. I was a bit embarresed though. The first basket I won was a gift certificate to a local coffe shop, a coffee mug and a bag of Starbucks coffee. I was excited to win. then next thing I know, they are calling one of my numbers again. I won a free color and cut from a local salon. Its a real high end salon. Well I thought I was so lucky to have had won 2 baskets. Everyone at my table was in shock. Then they called my numbers again. I won a dinner for 2 at the Bedford Springs Omni Resort. This is an old historic hotel that my husband went to see just this past summer. Its a huge, gorgeus hotel and just a 1 night stay in the hotel is 1200 dollars so I could just imagine how much the food would cost. As extatic as I was to have won 3 times I was beginnig to feel embarrased. Everyone at my table was looking at me like, what did you do? They were'nt mad but you could see they were a bit jealous. I sat there quietly thinking, please dont call my number again. One more time they called my number, this time for a $25 dollar toys R Us gift card. I couldn't believe it. I really had a good night. I felt bad since I managed to win 4 out of 20 baskets and I knew others had donated more money than I had. I am excited to though, it felt nice to finally win something.

I have to get ready for work now. I have more to write about, like Aarons birthday and taking him bowling. It was a good weekend and I just will have to wait to write about till tonight.

Aaron my oldest will be 11 on Sunday. There was a point in my life that I couldnt wait for him to grow up. Now I kind of wish that my boys were'nt growing up so fast. I would rather them all slow down a bit. I guess I have no control though. They will continue to grow against any wishes I might have. This year is a little bitter sweet. No big party, I haven't even bought him a present. Funds are low. We have his Football banquet tomorrow night and after I will take him and two of his closest friends to go bowling for a few hours. He's completely happy with these plans. That is the benefit of him growing up, he tends to understand we just dont have the money this year and is completely content with what I am able to offer. Two more days and I officially have a pre-teen.

So after some undesired drama I have made a couple of friends cuts....One girl I had to drop because she constantly talks about how she is so happy she hasnt chosen to ever have kids. I am not judgmental, and that is her personal choice, but It was keeping me from writing about my children in lieu that I might offend her. I really didn't choose to come here to network, that's just an added bonus, I came here to put my thoughts down and I haven't done that in a long time.

Another cut I made was due to all the drama. She had banned me from seeing her journals but didn't remove me, so I removed her. Reading her journal would bring me down every time and I wouldn't have the strength left to write. I would usually be to annoyed to write after reading.

So now, I feel I can use livejournal for what I originally intended it to be for when I signed up. I am here to get the thoughts out of my head to make way for new ones. I love the friends that are left on my small, friends list and maybe one day I will join more communities and make more friends but for now I am content.

The sun was shining today. The temperature peaked at a nice 68 degrees, my Halloween decorations are down and I have made it through most of my piles of papers that dearly needed sorted, filed, or tossed. A productive day. I love productive days.:) My house smells like Pine Sol...Yummy! I love that clean smell. I wiped everything down.

Well its that time of year when usually my housework and any extra curricular activities are pushed to the side while UPS takes away every ounce of energy that I have. Not to mention my other part time job also has a peak season at the same time. I sell tire chains...Check out Tirechain.com. Thats my other part time job. We're preety small but big company. If you google Tire Chains we come up. I like that job. My boss really appreciates me there. He is surprised with my knowledge of cars. I told him he can thank my husband and almost every ex-boyfriend since I have a thing for guys who like cars.

Any way, tis the season. I need to get ready for Thanksgiving. My brothers and their wives and children and one of my best friends will all be here. I love to cook for Thanksgiving. Its about the last chance for me to actually visit with family during the Holidays since UPS tends to cosume every last second that I have.

So I thought my husband was ok but today I came home from the store and he was leaving on the motorcycle. I knew somthing was wrong but I didnt ask, Either right before he left or after he left I got a text wanting to know what else I have lied about. I really dont think I am lying about anything else. I dont know what to do. Why cant life just be easy. People tell you to tell the truth. I could have kept everything from him but I chose not to. Now I am paying the consequences. Great. Happy fuckin day. I never win.

So now that things have calmed back down I can breathe a little better. My best friend is still my best friend and my husband is still with me.

When I woke up Thursday morning I had no idea what the day was going to bring. I received the facebook post and had to read it 3 times before I realized it was directed at me. There was a secret hidden between two people. Well I thought between two people. Someone shared with his wife in privacy but the privacy was shatterd. What should have been a situation handled between 3 adults turned into a big problem that now included 6 people.
THe lie:
Several years ago I slept with my best friends ex boyfriend. Her and I had been on the outs for a little more than two years. I swore him to secrecy though. Apparently one day she asked him face to face if him and I ever did anything. He at my advice, said no. Our deal to each other was that if anyone of us ever needed to tell her than we would do it together. He held that promise to me.

In his attempts at being open and honest with his now wife, he told her that he had slept with me. He also told her that our mutual friend did not know and that this was a secret. Well the secret came out when the Wife was having a general conversation with another friend who told my now again best friend. He didnt know she didnt know.

I was devistated. I knew what we did was innappropriate. I just hoped it would never come out in the open. I didnt know how to start that conversation. "Oh by the way, during the time you and I were not friends, I slept with your ex boyfriend?!" Now the truth is out, and she has forgiven me. She's all grown up now and forgives much more easily than she did in the past.

I also needed to fix somthing else. My husband just asked me several months ago if the man in question and I ever did anything together. I said No. I was getting ready for a trip to Ky to visit everyone. My best friend and I planned a visit to the man in questions home to visit, since we all are still friends. My husband, like all husbands wanted to know. I couldnt say yes. If I would have said yes he may have told me No, I do not want you to go to his house. And then I would have had to confess everything to the best friend. I wasnt ready. I dont think I ever would have been ready to tell.

Well I talked to my husband later on Thursday, I told him I needed to talk to him. I told him its all in my facebook account but I would rather tell you in person. He didnt wait, he read the messages and figured it all out. At first he was ok. Then it sank in to him that I had lied. He wasnt mad at what happend since it was way before his time, but he was mad that I had lied. He doesnt believe I should maintain my friendship with the man in question but I had to make him understand that the man in question was never in a relationship with me, just a couple momentary moments. He still isnt happy with my decision but hes getting past the lying thing and hoping that I havent lied about anything else. My husband was so upset about the lie, that he started threatning seperation.

So at the conclustion of this frustrating week and I still have my husband and my best friends. Our friendship is strong and we have helped each other through really tough spots in our lives. I thank god that she was able to forgive me. I love her like a sister and would do anything for her. She is a good, great, wonderful friend.

So I have spent the better part of a great friendship hiding a lie. A lie that I hoped would never come to the surface cause I never had the balls to fess up. Hell we had already lost like 4 years of friendship over something so stupid. How could I confess to what I had done? I should have. Lies always make there way to the surface. I never did it to hurt anyone and at the time it was relevant. But since our friendship rekindled 4 years ago I was just happy she was back in my life. I could'nt tell her what I had done. I couldn't tell her that I broke the only rule we had to maintaining our friendship. How do you start that conversation? Well I didnt have to say anyting, someone else opened there big fat mouth. Someone not even involved in the situation. Someone that should have never had the right to tell the secret that I and someone else held. It was a selfish act that has now cost me one of the best people in my life. I really hope your proud of what you did and for once, yes we are talking about you. You know who you are!

UPS will not let me read journals but I can post and go into my account. Sorry kind of amuses me. They have every social networking site blocked but we can get on Ebay and You tube. lmao.

I hate full moons.  The crazies come out at this time.  Everyone is hateful and arrogant.  Nothingon my computer seems to work today.  Facebook keeps giving me errors and my children act like they've snorted pixie stix this morning.  Maybe I should stay home and go back to bed.

Oh and did I mention,  I got two teeth pulled last thursday.  One on the top and the one directly below it.  FIrst my jaw locked up for about 5 days, then because of the anti-biotic I have thrush.  I can not drink enough water.  And I think I'm getting dry sockets.  My head hurts so freakin bad.  I just want to go back to bed today.  I have had every reason to. :(

YEAH!

I will be in Lexington this weekend.  I get to drive down by myself.  I enjoy the long ride in solitude.  It seems to go by so fast.  I cant wait to see my friends and family.  3 days isnt enough though.  But I will take what I can get.  YEAH!

Last night we went down to the Ferndale Jubilee.  It started off with a big parade of Fire trucks from everywhere.  There was old and new trucks.  My boys really enjoyed themselves.  The jubilee is a small little fair that benefits that neighborhood fire department.  Its one of the oldest fairs in Johnstown.  Its been going on since 1931.  THey have a kithen that is open 24 hours a day during this week.  The menu items are good old fashioned, Western Pa foods like Halushki, Halupki, and periogies.  All very fattening and oh so good.  WE spent way more money than we should have but everyone had a good time. It was Zach first times to really get on rides and he loved everything except the tilt a whirl.

I 'm in good spirits this morning.  I posted a new pic on facebook of me.  Its since I have lost the 15 lbs.  I can tbelieve what a difference 15lbs makes..  I've gotten alot of good comments on it.  Normally I am not so vain.  I do tend to wonder what others think of me but vanity is not an issue.  But all the nice comments have given me an esteem boost which I really needed.  I am constantly putting my self down. 

Things in my life seem to finally be falling into place.  I dont mean to jump the gun but the past week has been preety good.  No major dissaters and things seem calm.  For me anyways,  Everyone close to me seems to be falling apart so maybe its my turn to be there for them like they've been for me.

Heres the picture that I've gotten all the nice comments on.



The first picture I tried to take was funny.  AS I was attempting to back up, I slammed my hip into the table.  I had a look of horror on my face. I am so clumbsy.  It left a bruise. 

This is one of my favorite work shirts.  I think the color looks great on me. ( Tooting my own horn )  LIke I said,  I really do feel good right now.  My life is starting to feel better.

My life has been so crazy in the last few weeks. 

VACATION:  Vacation was very stressful.  Everything tried to keep us from going.  On the Sunday that I went to Colombus our van broke down and we had to squeeze 5 of us in the tiny Altima that had no air conditioning.  Then in order to fix the van to go we had to shell out $300 in parts alone.  My father-in-law the mechanic said he would put the parts on.  He waited till Thursday and then decided one of the parts was out of him experites.  We were scheduled to leave Friday.  I spent the entire day looking for a mechanic that would get me in.  Most just laughed and told me good luck.  Then when i thought vacation was not happening a co-worker called Ted the mechanic.  Ted took the car that night and had it finished the next morning.  My new favorite mechanic I might add.

We ended up leaving for vacation a day late so that Mike could get a couple more jobs in to make up for our lack of funds.  When we awoke Saturday morning Mike was sick so I had to drive the entire way.  Stopping and takeing 4 children to the bathrooms by myself and trying to keep Star the dog from throwing up in the car.( SHe gets car sick )  We finally arrived.  Mike ended up in the bed all day, except when he would wake up to puke.  After just a couple hours of being in Deleware we realized my dog was missing. It just happened to be pouring down rain.  For allmost 3 hours we drove around the neibor hood yelling and hollering, "Star"  I was starting to give up.  I was afraid someone found her and thought she was too good and sweet to give back.  Some neighbors had joined in on the search and had spotted an older lady driving around with my dog.  We found the lady who said Star had come to her house and she fed her and was just waiting on the storm to pass.  Thank god for sweet old ladies.

Most of the week we were in Deleware it rained.  We saw the coolest yet saddest thing at the beach.  It was a Sea Turtle that had washed up on shore.  She must have been really old because she was so big.  A storm had just came through hours before and washed the turtle up.


Heres the Sunset at the shore that night


The last day of vacation was to meetaloneinky at Washington DC.  We didn't get to see each other very long.  So many problems happened that day.  First we left Deleware like two hours late.  Then the doggy day care was clear on the other side of town.  We drove around for an hour looking for parking because Mike refused to walk more than a 1/4 mile.  By the time we made it into the one Smithsonian, everyone had to pee.  we got to see a few exhibits in the air and Space Museum before everyone wanted to eat.  By the time everyone finished eating  we realized we only had like two hours left.  We went to the gift shop but that ended up takeing up like an hours worth of time.   I finally felt guilty and told aloneinky that we would see her when she came to the house the next day.  So DC wasmore like a wasted day.

Since aloneinky had to wait on us so much on that Friday she decided to keep her hotel room another night to take her kids to see the stuff they didnt make it too.  It was sad cause I was so excited to see her but we only ended up spending a couple hours Friday and few hours Sunday together.  She had to leave Monday before I got home from work.  I miss her so much.  We talk daily but I just wish there wasnt 500 miles between us.

DENNYS:  I returned from vacation expecting that my hours at Dennys had been reduced like I requested before I left.  I was really burnt out from working 7 days a week.  WHen I went to check my schedule they had it posted for 2 weeks.  They had ignored my request to only 1 night a week with the exception that I would help cover nights off.  I was so upset.  I had to let them know I would no longer work for them anymore.  Last weekend was rough not working.  I felt lost.  I had been working 7 dyas a week for almost 7  months.  Even days that I had off were because I had something else to do.  Last weekend was just scary.  I had run out of housework and was going nuts not knowing what I should do.  I hadnt had time to myself in forever.

I think I have bored all of you to death now.  And believe me,  I only gave you the bulletins and not all the details.

I had reached a point today when I thought all was lost in my hopes for vacation.  In the middle of te day my father-in-law of a mechanic decided he wsnt going to fix the heater core lines in my van. He thought it would be too hard and didnt want to even attempt.  SO at the last minute I started calling every mechanic in the book.  They basically all laughed at me and wished me good luck.  I finally came to the conclusion that vacation was gone.  No way would we be able to go now.  We wouldn't be able to trust the van. 

I started to cry.  Unfortunately I was at work.  One of the ladies I work with came in the office and asked me if i was ok.  I sort of let loose on her about how hard I have been trying to make this vacation happen.  The bad luck with the van and even the financial situation.  I went outside to dry my eyes cause I relaly didnt want anyone else catching my cry.  As I returned in she said, " I am waiting on a phone call,  I may be able to help you out."  She called her personal mechanic who does work on the side from his home.  He called back and said he would do it!  I have to drop it off tonight and pick it up at lunch time tomorrow.  I am so excited.  I am scared of how much it will cost but he said it wont take him that long.  I am so happy.  Perseverance is paying off.

My visit with the P.A. went better than expected.  She was an older woman who actually listened to me like my doctor.  Maybe I have a problem seeing P.A.'s  who are my age or younger!  She listended to me, took notes, read my file and even consulted with my original doctor who stopped into the room and say hello.  It took me 8 years to find a doctor that really could ifx my back.  To him I am so thankful.  He gave me back life and the ability to do daily things again.  

My doctor  wanted to go ahead and give me an S.I. injection but I turned it down until after vacation.  An S.I injection is where they go in under a fluroscope and inject cortizone down in the sacaral joint.  Its really painful and I just dont want it to interfere with my vacation since the first couple of days are really rough.  That and I didnt have a driver with me and my memory from the last time tells me I wouldn't be able to drive again.  My doctor is preety optomisitc though that this is only temporary and that my back pain will go away since I had such good long lasting results after they burnt the nerve endings.  He says my back muscles must just still be weak from the years of back pain and so the simple task of bending over at the waist is something I should really try to never do.  "Lift with the legs"

All in all things are working out.  Optimism and positive thinking are hard but well worth it.

Vacation is only 4 more days away.  It was supposed to begin Friday but a few set back are holding us back a day.

First:  The van began leaking oil profusly!  Well we thought it was oil.  Luckily it wasnt oil or a blown head gasket.  Unfortunately when discovering what was wrong with the van we found many other problems.  The power steering inlet and outlet lines had rusted through.  Not bad, Only $23.99 each to fix.  But while the van was up on the lift we saw how badly my 1997 Town and Country was rusted.  The rear heater core line, which carry antifreeze to the rear of the van were both completely rusted and ready to spew anti-freeze everywhere so those too will have to be replaced.  Also a tiny leave in the valve cover gasket is causing us to lose oil and it too will need replaced.  Luckily my brother-in-law works for a Chrysler delaership and ordered our parts with his discount.  The parts are costing $245.00 approximately and will cause Mike and one of his buddies about 8 hours worth of work. 

Second:  ABout 530 a.m. I was finishing my deep cleaning at Dennys and getting ready to go home for the morning.  I bent over to slide the oil bucket.  As soon as I began pulling on the bucket my back went out.  IT took me almost 15 minutes to bare any weight on my legs.  I slowly made my way to the car.  In the car the back quit hurting but I realized when I got home I couldnt even move my legs to get them ou tof the car.  Using my arms to pull myself up I used everything as a crutch until I could finally make it inside.  Mike had to physically lift me up and down stairs yesterday. Its been over 2 years since my back went out.  The back aches have been mild and livable.  I hope this isnt a sign that the problems will return.  Maybe they can reburn the nerve endings.  WEll tomorrow I go into the doctor.  They are makeing me see a P.A.  This makes me nervous.  I would rather see my doctor who actually fixed my back and listened to me last time. 

I am going on vacation.  Mike will have to put me in a wheel chair and rent a vehicle if need be.  My only vacation that I have planned in over three years.  We will go.  Hell or High Water! 

We are staying positive though.  The power steering lines could have broke while on vacation or the rear heater core lines could have started spuing antifreeze stranding us on a highway.  We are looking at this knowing we are lucky it happened now and not next week.  If not for the Power steering lines breaking we would have never known the rest of the problems.

I 've mostly just logged into live journal, read everyone else's posts, plus every now and then I posted private logs.  I've been staying to myself alot.  Attempting to sort things out in my head.  My mind tends to run wild and sometimes writing only encourages wil thoughts.  I did realize I haven't been posting enough lately though and my stress is almost uncontrollable.  I vow to start writing again, about the positives only.  Not to dwell on the negatives in hopes of reducing my stress levels.

So as of late,  I am only 6 days away from vacation.  We are going to Magnolia fields, Deleware to visit my sister-in-law and her girlfriend.  They have got to be my favorite of all my in-laws.  We talked today for almost an hour as she told me all the things she bought or arranged for our time there.  We will leave on Friday and drive almost 6 hours. ( crossing the awesome bay bridge )  On saturday we are haveing a big cookout with 2 of Mikes other sisters and nieces and nephews.  A lil alchol for us adults and hugs juices for the little ones.  One day will be spent at the bay collecting seashells, sea glass and whatever else catches our eyes.  The water there is filthy to swim so we just walk and relax on that beach. 

We wil drive to Rohobeth beach, which in only 45 minutes away and rent a room for 1 night so the kids can spend 2 days at the beach and hanging out on the board walk.

We will wake up early that following friday and drive about 4 hours into DC where several friends are meeting us.  My childhood best friend and her husband just so happens to be the matchmakers for my husband and I will joinus in DC.  My best friend since I was 16, aloneinky will be driving up from KY with her two children and meeting us also.  We will visit the smithsonian and every other museum we can fit in that day.  Oh and my sister-in-law will be with us also.  We will leave from DC and drive another 3 hours home that evening, aloninky will join me at my home on Saturday evening.  My childhood best friend, husban and daughter will return to Danville PA, there home.

Needless to say I am so excited.  Besides Galtinburg Pa, or Halfway Damn,  this will be my first real vacation.  It was a good time last year at my sister-in-laws and that was only a weekend trip.  I will also have my niece who hasnt been to Pa to visit me except once and I am excited to have her with.  I drive to colombus OH tomorrow to pick her up.  I work till 4am then leave at 9am for the drive.  Then I work at 11pm tomorrow night.  "yuck" but I think my adrenaline will keep me going.

Ok,  I sad note,  Pa is thinking of closing several PA State Parks.  One of them being Halfway Damn.  This is one of my favorite Child hood places. I really hope this is not true. I havent been able to take my children to there yet since moving back to Pa and it would be so sad if I didnt get a chance to show them one of my favorite spots.  welfy ,  have you ever been to Halfway Damn?  Its located past WIlliamsport off of I80.