My life has been so crazy in the last few weeks. 

VACATION:  Vacation was very stressful.  Everything tried to keep us from going.  On the Sunday that I went to Colombus our van broke down and we had to squeeze 5 of us in the tiny Altima that had no air conditioning.  Then in order to fix the van to go we had to shell out $300 in parts alone.  My father-in-law the mechanic said he would put the parts on.  He waited till Thursday and then decided one of the parts was out of him experites.  We were scheduled to leave Friday.  I spent the entire day looking for a mechanic that would get me in.  Most just laughed and told me good luck.  Then when i thought vacation was not happening a co-worker called Ted the mechanic.  Ted took the car that night and had it finished the next morning.  My new favorite mechanic I might add.

We ended up leaving for vacation a day late so that Mike could get a couple more jobs in to make up for our lack of funds.  When we awoke Saturday morning Mike was sick so I had to drive the entire way.  Stopping and takeing 4 children to the bathrooms by myself and trying to keep Star the dog from throwing up in the car.( SHe gets car sick )  We finally arrived.  Mike ended up in the bed all day, except when he would wake up to puke.  After just a couple hours of being in Deleware we realized my dog was missing. It just happened to be pouring down rain.  For allmost 3 hours we drove around the neibor hood yelling and hollering, "Star"  I was starting to give up.  I was afraid someone found her and thought she was too good and sweet to give back.  Some neighbors had joined in on the search and had spotted an older lady driving around with my dog.  We found the lady who said Star had come to her house and she fed her and was just waiting on the storm to pass.  Thank god for sweet old ladies.

Most of the week we were in Deleware it rained.  We saw the coolest yet saddest thing at the beach.  It was a Sea Turtle that had washed up on shore.  She must have been really old because she was so big.  A storm had just came through hours before and washed the turtle up.


Heres the Sunset at the shore that night


The last day of vacation was to meetaloneinky at Washington DC.  We didn't get to see each other very long.  So many problems happened that day.  First we left Deleware like two hours late.  Then the doggy day care was clear on the other side of town.  We drove around for an hour looking for parking because Mike refused to walk more than a 1/4 mile.  By the time we made it into the one Smithsonian, everyone had to pee.  we got to see a few exhibits in the air and Space Museum before everyone wanted to eat.  By the time everyone finished eating  we realized we only had like two hours left.  We went to the gift shop but that ended up takeing up like an hours worth of time.   I finally felt guilty and told aloneinky that we would see her when she came to the house the next day.  So DC wasmore like a wasted day.

Since aloneinky had to wait on us so much on that Friday she decided to keep her hotel room another night to take her kids to see the stuff they didnt make it too.  It was sad cause I was so excited to see her but we only ended up spending a couple hours Friday and few hours Sunday together.  She had to leave Monday before I got home from work.  I miss her so much.  We talk daily but I just wish there wasnt 500 miles between us.

DENNYS:  I returned from vacation expecting that my hours at Dennys had been reduced like I requested before I left.  I was really burnt out from working 7 days a week.  WHen I went to check my schedule they had it posted for 2 weeks.  They had ignored my request to only 1 night a week with the exception that I would help cover nights off.  I was so upset.  I had to let them know I would no longer work for them anymore.  Last weekend was rough not working.  I felt lost.  I had been working 7 dyas a week for almost 7  months.  Even days that I had off were because I had something else to do.  Last weekend was just scary.  I had run out of housework and was going nuts not knowing what I should do.  I hadnt had time to myself in forever.

I think I have bored all of you to death now.  And believe me,  I only gave you the bulletins and not all the details.

I had reached a point today when I thought all was lost in my hopes for vacation.  In the middle of te day my father-in-law of a mechanic decided he wsnt going to fix the heater core lines in my van. He thought it would be too hard and didnt want to even attempt.  SO at the last minute I started calling every mechanic in the book.  They basically all laughed at me and wished me good luck.  I finally came to the conclusion that vacation was gone.  No way would we be able to go now.  We wouldn't be able to trust the van. 

I started to cry.  Unfortunately I was at work.  One of the ladies I work with came in the office and asked me if i was ok.  I sort of let loose on her about how hard I have been trying to make this vacation happen.  The bad luck with the van and even the financial situation.  I went outside to dry my eyes cause I relaly didnt want anyone else catching my cry.  As I returned in she said, " I am waiting on a phone call,  I may be able to help you out."  She called her personal mechanic who does work on the side from his home.  He called back and said he would do it!  I have to drop it off tonight and pick it up at lunch time tomorrow.  I am so excited.  I am scared of how much it will cost but he said it wont take him that long.  I am so happy.  Perseverance is paying off.

My visit with the P.A. went better than expected.  She was an older woman who actually listened to me like my doctor.  Maybe I have a problem seeing P.A.'s  who are my age or younger!  She listended to me, took notes, read my file and even consulted with my original doctor who stopped into the room and say hello.  It took me 8 years to find a doctor that really could ifx my back.  To him I am so thankful.  He gave me back life and the ability to do daily things again.  

My doctor  wanted to go ahead and give me an S.I. injection but I turned it down until after vacation.  An S.I injection is where they go in under a fluroscope and inject cortizone down in the sacaral joint.  Its really painful and I just dont want it to interfere with my vacation since the first couple of days are really rough.  That and I didnt have a driver with me and my memory from the last time tells me I wouldn't be able to drive again.  My doctor is preety optomisitc though that this is only temporary and that my back pain will go away since I had such good long lasting results after they burnt the nerve endings.  He says my back muscles must just still be weak from the years of back pain and so the simple task of bending over at the waist is something I should really try to never do.  "Lift with the legs"

All in all things are working out.  Optimism and positive thinking are hard but well worth it.

Vacation is only 4 more days away.  It was supposed to begin Friday but a few set back are holding us back a day.

First:  The van began leaking oil profusly!  Well we thought it was oil.  Luckily it wasnt oil or a blown head gasket.  Unfortunately when discovering what was wrong with the van we found many other problems.  The power steering inlet and outlet lines had rusted through.  Not bad, Only $23.99 each to fix.  But while the van was up on the lift we saw how badly my 1997 Town and Country was rusted.  The rear heater core line, which carry antifreeze to the rear of the van were both completely rusted and ready to spew anti-freeze everywhere so those too will have to be replaced.  Also a tiny leave in the valve cover gasket is causing us to lose oil and it too will need replaced.  Luckily my brother-in-law works for a Chrysler delaership and ordered our parts with his discount.  The parts are costing $245.00 approximately and will cause Mike and one of his buddies about 8 hours worth of work. 

Second:  ABout 530 a.m. I was finishing my deep cleaning at Dennys and getting ready to go home for the morning.  I bent over to slide the oil bucket.  As soon as I began pulling on the bucket my back went out.  IT took me almost 15 minutes to bare any weight on my legs.  I slowly made my way to the car.  In the car the back quit hurting but I realized when I got home I couldnt even move my legs to get them ou tof the car.  Using my arms to pull myself up I used everything as a crutch until I could finally make it inside.  Mike had to physically lift me up and down stairs yesterday. Its been over 2 years since my back went out.  The back aches have been mild and livable.  I hope this isnt a sign that the problems will return.  Maybe they can reburn the nerve endings.  WEll tomorrow I go into the doctor.  They are makeing me see a P.A.  This makes me nervous.  I would rather see my doctor who actually fixed my back and listened to me last time. 

I am going on vacation.  Mike will have to put me in a wheel chair and rent a vehicle if need be.  My only vacation that I have planned in over three years.  We will go.  Hell or High Water! 

We are staying positive though.  The power steering lines could have broke while on vacation or the rear heater core lines could have started spuing antifreeze stranding us on a highway.  We are looking at this knowing we are lucky it happened now and not next week.  If not for the Power steering lines breaking we would have never known the rest of the problems.

I 've mostly just logged into live journal, read everyone else's posts, plus every now and then I posted private logs.  I've been staying to myself alot.  Attempting to sort things out in my head.  My mind tends to run wild and sometimes writing only encourages wil thoughts.  I did realize I haven't been posting enough lately though and my stress is almost uncontrollable.  I vow to start writing again, about the positives only.  Not to dwell on the negatives in hopes of reducing my stress levels.

So as of late,  I am only 6 days away from vacation.  We are going to Magnolia fields, Deleware to visit my sister-in-law and her girlfriend.  They have got to be my favorite of all my in-laws.  We talked today for almost an hour as she told me all the things she bought or arranged for our time there.  We will leave on Friday and drive almost 6 hours. ( crossing the awesome bay bridge )  On saturday we are haveing a big cookout with 2 of Mikes other sisters and nieces and nephews.  A lil alchol for us adults and hugs juices for the little ones.  One day will be spent at the bay collecting seashells, sea glass and whatever else catches our eyes.  The water there is filthy to swim so we just walk and relax on that beach. 

We wil drive to Rohobeth beach, which in only 45 minutes away and rent a room for 1 night so the kids can spend 2 days at the beach and hanging out on the board walk.

We will wake up early that following friday and drive about 4 hours into DC where several friends are meeting us.  My childhood best friend and her husband just so happens to be the matchmakers for my husband and I will joinus in DC.  My best friend since I was 16, aloneinky will be driving up from KY with her two children and meeting us also.  We will visit the smithsonian and every other museum we can fit in that day.  Oh and my sister-in-law will be with us also.  We will leave from DC and drive another 3 hours home that evening, aloninky will join me at my home on Saturday evening.  My childhood best friend, husban and daughter will return to Danville PA, there home.

Needless to say I am so excited.  Besides Galtinburg Pa, or Halfway Damn,  this will be my first real vacation.  It was a good time last year at my sister-in-laws and that was only a weekend trip.  I will also have my niece who hasnt been to Pa to visit me except once and I am excited to have her with.  I drive to colombus OH tomorrow to pick her up.  I work till 4am then leave at 9am for the drive.  Then I work at 11pm tomorrow night.  "yuck" but I think my adrenaline will keep me going.

Ok,  I sad note,  Pa is thinking of closing several PA State Parks.  One of them being Halfway Damn.  This is one of my favorite Child hood places. I really hope this is not true. I havent been able to take my children to there yet since moving back to Pa and it would be so sad if I didnt get a chance to show them one of my favorite spots.  welfy ,  have you ever been to Halfway Damn?  Its located past WIlliamsport off of I80.

In my attempts at organizing my house I have tried to stay away from the computer.  Right now I am ordering a shoe organizer/cabinet.  The problem is I dont know what color Beech wood is....Anyone know?  Please help.

It's been a while since I have had a moment to write.  My life is busy and work never ends.  I dont know even where to start.  SO much I want to say but yet no desire to put it in words.  I am afraid that seeing it will make it worse so for now I still will hold it in.  I still have to process things in my head.  I dont want to over react.  I am trying to be patient but it has worn thin.  I am trying so fuckin hard but yet still to no avail.  I know this just sounds like a ramble but I am not quiet ready to share or to put it out there.  I need to decide first.  Uuurgh damn the brain and how it works.

I had an awesome day yesterday.  I do mean awesome.  Its been the best day I have had in a long time.

Work wasnt all bad,  No customer concerns.  Wverything went preety smooth and everyone just did the job they are paid to do with out too many moans and groans.  Dennys was ok too.  One of grills is still down in the kitchen so it makes things a little akward but I had a good crew so things went as smooth as expected. 

While at Dennys one of the hostess', who is a senior in high school, voulenteered to babysit any time.  I took her number down immediatley.  Yeah I truly have a baby sitter!  Then Bri asked if I would like to go out dancing with her one night.  I said hell yeah and also took down her number.  She is going to school for physical therapy, maybe she can straighten out my back.

I got out at Dennys at 1100.  I had requested an early night.  I had big plans.  Well they were big to me.  I was going out with Mr. J.  Mr. J as we'll call him, is gay.  He's really adorable and a good kid.  He's almost my age.  Anyways,  he invited me to go to Lucilles which is a local gay bar.  Needless to say I had a blast.  The bar tender made really strong drinks.  I got really drunk.  I got to dance.  I love to dance.  I was able to dance and enjoy myslef without haveing any guys all  up on me and trying to spit game.  I danced with men and women.  Everyone just there to have a good time.  I am definately planing to do this once a month.  I cant say I didnt get hit on.  This cute little girl at the end of the night was talking to my friend Mr J while I was on the floor dancing.   She then came up to me and said, "I know your not looking for a woman but if you ever change your mind just come find me."   It was cute and I was flattered.

I had a good time.  I have needed this for a long time.  I am so glad I tookthe job at Dennys.  I have been makeing friends  and that was something I know I was missing from my life.  I am very appreciative of the  day I had yesterday.

My goal this year was just to me more positive.  I am failing miserably. Between self-hatred, increased anxiety, and longer hours at work I just am so flippin peccimistic.

I have come to the conlusion that I dont know how to look at the bright side.  I dwell on on the past but rarely the good memories. 

I wish to be more humble, more accepting of things.  I am appreciative of everything but it doesnt seem to out weigh the pecimism.  I really cant get into self help books. I've tried but they dont keep my ADHD mind intrested enough.

Part of my problem right now is the winter blues and I know that.  I am working 7 days a week alternating nights and days which leaves me exhausted.  Two of my boys are ADHD so they keep me hoping and my husband is dealing with his own medical conditons.

Part of my problem, steming from the first one is exhaustion.  Mentally and physically I am stretched thin.  with all the production increase at both jobs its hard to hold up to standards.  OUr jobs are constanlyt threatened with the line of "economical pressure". 

So here's my problem:  I know what my triggers are but how do I fix them?  How do I accept what I can not change?  I am pushing so hard and mentally straining to accomplish so much yet it is so little.  

Why?
Why would you friend request me?
Why would you immediatley bring up a fight from Middle school that you jumped into and pulled my hair?  I dont even know what to think right now. 
WHy even waste my time bringing up useless memories/

I hated middle school.  I was always, "that girl" everyone picked fights with and everyone made fun of.  I know that.  I still remember all the fake dates I was asked out on.  I still remember how many fights I got into.  I remember it all. For god sakes it was only middle school and I shouldn't remember and I shouldnt care but I do. 
I still wonder why I was the one they all had to laugh at and why I was the one who was only someone's friend when others weren't looking.  I wish it didnt still bother me since it was like 15 years ago but it does. 
So what give you the right to  post it on my wall on Facebook?  I dont even remember you. 
Somehow I manage to still torture myself with the childhood antics and I guess I dont need you to rub it in my face that I allowed it all to happen.
I'm an adult now.  I graduated school.  I am married.  I have a sucessful job with a big future that most would kill to have.  I should laugh at you.  Stuck stillin the shit hole we call Sunbury.  I should sit back and smile because I know I am better off than you.  So why cant I?  Maybe I just aint like you.

Today should be a day of celebration

It should be a day that we are sitting around haveing a drink or two.

Instead I'll be having a drink in you honor, and in your memory.  I'll be doing it for you instead of with you.

Its hard to forget this day exists when besides your birthday its also a national holiday.  I cant erase it from the calendar.  Everyone will be wearing green and the bars will be holding all the green drink specials.  I wish I could forget.  I wish this day wasnt so celebrated anymore.

I want to forget.  I want to pretend it never happend.  You should have been 45 this year.  Way to young to already be gone from me.  Every year I miss you more.  Every year I shed more tears,  instead of getting easier it seems to get harder.

I loved you so much and you were my hero.  You, like so many, made mistakes and I had forgiven you.  I just wish you could have forgiven yourself. Happy Birthday Daddy.

Yesterday became a 20 hours day for me.  I awoke early to fix some bacon, eggs and bisquits for the boys before sending them off to school. Laundry was piled to ceiling so I worked dilegently to get as much done as possible before heading to UPS.  I managed to get about 3 loads completley done leaving the house with one still in the dryer and one in the wash. 

I stopped by the tanning bed and knapped for 20 minutes while picking up a little tan.  I arrived on time to UPS at 1200.  ABout midway throught the day Dennys called and asked me to start at 6 instead of 8.  I agreed so I left straight from UPS to Dennys. 

The first cook I worked with was grumpy.  He was mad because he wants Thursdays off but I explained I cant work Thursdays and Fridays.  That made him mad and all he did was storm around till the end of his shift.  I felt bad but I cant work till 6am than go to UPS at 12 and come back into Dennys at 8.  I am not superwoman.  I sacrifice enough sleep and frankly it would be dangerous.  To add fuel to his discontentment we had a party of 60 come in from the local High School right before his shift was to end.  The other cooked had also arrived so Da Boss said we should all 3 be able to handle it.  Grumpy wasnt a very good team player.  His job was to call "the wheel" (Call out what needed to be dropped to be cooked)  He was grumbling most of the time and not even trying to keep up, so finally I just took over.  When the rush had ended he clocked out and went home.  I felt sorry for him.  He's always so discontent, walking around saying things like, " I hate my F*^%#ing job.  It kind of wore me out.  I dont like to work with people like that. 

Our bar rush was less than normal which I was grateful for.  Finally about 3 am though the day caught up to me.  I was going on like 15 hours of work and my body was feeling the pain.  By the time I punched out I think I left barely saying Bye to anyone.  All I could think about was going home to shower and sleep.  I got a good 9 hours of sleep but I still feel like I just left work.  All beaten up and broke down.  Is the weekend over yet?

Is that really all I am worth?  For two years now I have received a 2% raise.  That equivalates this year to a .28/hr raise.  at first I  pretended it didnt bother me.  I tried to rember that the economy is bad right now. Then it got to me.  My drivers received over .85 in raises in the last 6 months.  My numbers this year put me well above average in my annual evaluation report.  I even got good feedback and appraisals from all my managers this year and yet all I got was the minimum 2% raise.  It got to me.  I began to cry so I had to take a walk for a moment.  I was hopeing to get at least a .50 raise.  I didnt expect a lot this year considering all the cut backs they have made during these rough economic times but I thought I'd at least get a decent raise.

Across the board was a 2% raise.  The minimum they can give out and apparently the max this year.  I know I should be thankful but I want to be selfish.  My 7 year anniversery is this year and this will be another year that my year end salary amount will still be within the same amount.  Its a little disheartening.  I have pushed so hard to do a good job and now I just want to give up.  I am in a postition that gets little attention.  The other lady and I get all the crap work and basically can be classified as office managers or secretaries.  If the econonmy worsens and keeps affecting our business than her and I, and many others like us will be the first ones to lose our jobs since they really think all we do is answer phones.

I am going through a bit of burn out at UPS.  IF I could make more money at cooking than I would do it full time instead.  I really love my second job but I was hopeing to cut back some hours so I'm not working 7 days a week.  I guess that wont happen for a long time.  I'm am truly burned out but my family is dependent on me so I must push through and find ways to deal with the stress and anguish.

The friends I have that I call my family are really struggling.  The two that I call mom and dad have decided to file Bankruptcy.  I am the only one that knows.  They didnt plan to tell the children.  There eldest child, There daughter was just kicked out by her husband, again.  He told her AGAIN he's not happy and told her to move out.  SO she plans to move in with them.  My mom is stressed to the max.  Dad doesnt want her to tell anyone about the bankruptcy so they cant use that as a reason for why she cant move back home.  Dads business is barely holding on by a thread and filing bankruptcy will only work if the economy does plan to get better.

I hate this for them.  They are really great people.  They did sooooo much for me and my son.  They took us in when we had no where else to go.  Treated me as one of their own.  I love them so much.  I am hurting for them.  If I could get a miracle I would give it to them. 

Moms brother has been fighting stomach cancer which is now in remission but now something else is wrong.  Hes really yellow.  Jaundice like.  Hes at the hospital now trying to find out what might be wrong with his liver.  I pray fro them. 

I am not the only stray they have taken in and treated as their own.  They have helped so many people with so much and they are really great.  I just think they deserve the world. 

I'm tired

I am exhausted

I am just completely run down.  Well thats the jist of it.  Yesterday was a busy/annoying day.  UPS was a sad place since my favorite full time sup was no longer there.  He retired THursday.  He only told a select few of us that it would be his last day. He didnt want anyone acting fake about his retirement, you know,  acting like they were his friend and never were.  So the few of us that knew slipped him some nice parting gifts.  I personally gave him a bottle of Makers Mark because he had never tried it before.  My note read that I hope he always rememberd the Kentuckian.  I'll miss him.  WE have another Full time sup reitreing in a couple of weeks. 
My boss left early yesterday leaving me to deal with a Safety audit on my own.  I was really frustrated.  Between answering the phones and his questions I was also attempting to get some training that I need to complete done.  I think I was unsuccesful at everything.  Many drivers were upset with me since I had to find guys returning early and make them deliver some more stops that we had to pull off of another driver.  At one point I had a driver throwing the packages and I had to put a stop to it.  I hate confrontation.

Dennys was busy and I was tired.  The stress from UPS carried over.  Seeing as how its the first friday in Lent Fish sales are in full demand.  The fish in particular is only sold during lent and each piece takes 10 minutes to cook.  1/2 of our orders are for Fish which made my end of the Kitchen very slow moving.  I was so wore out that I left on my lunch break to go get an energy drink which did help me get through the rest of the night.

Unfortunately my 15 hours of work yesterday has left me feeling like a train hit me.  And unfortunately I have to go to work again in about another hour and a half.  I guess there is no rest for the wicked as they so say.

I have'nt been able to find 5 minutes to sit down and write in two weekd.  I have been busting my ass as work.  From Monday through Sunday I put in 60 hours between both jobs.  Dennys has been soooooo busy since the advertising scheme that they gave away a free breakfast after the superbowl.  I still like my job there.  I really like the friends I have made to.  I have favs.  First theirs J.  J is gay but he's not flamboient,  he's very smart and full of useless knowledge.  We get along great.  Then I have K.  K is hillarious.  She comes in on her nights off drunk with L.  I like L too just havent worked with her much.  All in all its a good group of people.  I dont feel like an outsider their like I do at UPS.  I have more to say but no more time.  I have to head to the eye doctor now.

I worked 13 hours between Sunday night and Mnday morning.    I began my shift at Dennys around 1030p and worked till 0600a.  I left and went straight to UPS where I worked until 1215.  I was supoosed to go to a pre op appointment at 2 but I never made it.  By 12 I could no longer make decisions or even see straight.  I had been up for 22 hours by that point.  I laid down and set the alarn to wake me up but I couldnt get back out of the bed.  So I missed the appointment and will have to reschedule.

Around 5 I woke up because of my husband and children.  My husband came in the room to talk to me about a bill.  He decides to take a shower. I tried to go back to sleep but I kept hearing Zachy screaming so I got up.  I proceeded downstairs to where my mother in law happend to be.  I went and sat on the couch with the boys watching her run around.  Something was wrong with her.  Finally she looks at me and says that I shouldnt work nights on the weekend cause all I do is sleep all day.  I tried to explain to her that I had just been up for 22 hours but she said that I am not spending enough Time with the kids.  No matter what I do its not good enough in her eyes.  She thinks Mike is stressed out because of me when in all reality hes stressed out over money just like me.  Only difference is I am pushing really hard to fix everything.  I dont know why she feels the need to pick at me all the time,  SHe never did it to L...Chase's mom.

Here WE GO!

I started biting my nails the last minute of the second half.  I didnt want the Cardinals to score since they were getting the ball right after half time...Usually not a good point for Pittsburgh.  But then number (@ in the last 42 seconds of the second quarter intercepted the ball in the Cardinals end zone and ran it for 100 yards.  The first time ever in Superbowl history. 

My heart will always hold Philadelphia first but I always had a thing for Pittsburgh..They will get their sixth Super bowl Championship.  Oh the excitement is to intense

I have my pre op appointment on Monday.  I am haveing the tubes tied.  After getting pregnant last year and the miscarriage I really came to the conclusion I dont want to have any more children.  I have three.  More than enough.  They are all healthy, smart and wonderful. 

It had taken a little bit of time to come to the conclusion that I am done haveing children.  Many people my age haven't even begun haveing kids yet.  But I am.  I need to focus on the three I have.  Aaron will be 11 this year.  I need to start putting money away for him.  And Zach will be 3 this year.  To much of an age gap between all the boys.  Its time to just focus on them.  I do thank god that he gave me the ability to have my children and the that he gave me 3 very smart and healthy boys.